It’s scary to think that maybe in myself is contained some of the extreme disconnect that a violent person feels before going on a rampage, even one so heinous as killing someone. I want to deny that I could do something like that, but I have to admit that the feelings are right there. I’m feeling separate from everyone and I know it. Today, I am so entrenched in my story that if I were unstable, undernourished, or easily knocked off center, I could harm someone. Most likely, I would hurt myself first. The truth is, that I AM hurting myself by maintaining my victim story.
I woke up filled with judgment about myself, my competence to create something of monetary value to others, my ability to organize my life as a profitable business, my competence as a parent, a wife, a productive citizen. That spilled over to projection onto my partner – “He’s incompetent too, so I have to do everything.!”
I launched into “getting things done” mode, only half attentive to a logical sequence of tasks. I was trying to think my way through the short list of tasks that I could keep in my mind. Take out the recycling, start the dishwasher, drive to the paint store, write this blog post. I managed to keep my self hatred to myself and be courteous to the store staff. “Fine, I’m fine.” All lies. I was shaking inside with guilt, shame, sadness, blame, all of it. And no one would know!
Fortunately, I DO have the mental capacity to observe myself. And, I have the training in Radical Forgiveness to notice when my victim story kicks in. That doesn’t prevent me from visiting VICTIMLAND sometimes, though.
This time, I actually CHOSE to explore VICTIMLAND for a while. Do a little experiment to really FEEL the pain of separation. And now, I’m ready to get out of here! And I know HOW TO DO IT!
USE THE TOOLS!
I took myself on a Forgiveness Walk
- Awaken my senses
- Energize my “nonsenses”
- Do the 13 Steps to Radical Forgivness
The world is a better place and my heart is open to my partner and mostly, to myself.
I didn’t harm anyone
Love can flow.
Does this ever happen to you?
Tell me about it.