Do you make plans, then have backup plans, or fallback plans, none of which seem like what you REALLY want to be doing? The source of the plans are from a list of thinhs I already know are possible because they are already being done, either by me or someone else. I lived like that for decades. I was really good at accommodating, always making the best of my life, willing myself to be content with the life I knew was possible. I believed that what I really wanted, the intimate partnership I desired, the lifestyle and purpose I saw others living that enticed me, were unavailable to me. I resigned myself to accepting what I had, acknowledging that it was the best that I COULD have.
Unworthiness Challenged
An argument is wrangling inside me. There’s an actual physical tension in my belly. That’s the FEELING of fear and guilt attached to the thought, “Those other people who have written their books and created their films about their Appalachian Trail journeys are better than I. I have a wonderful personal story of transformation and love, but I haven’t written my story! I don’t deserve recognition or getting attention, and on and on….”
Well, today, I know that this is a S.T.O.R.Y. – a Sustained Tale Of Repressed Yearning, playing out for my learning and growing. And today, I know that I can love myself having this Story and take it into the Thirteen Steps. So, I’m off to do that! Perfect setup for NonSenses Immersion!
Form Arising
My Nonsenses Charging paintings the past two days have emerged with form! Usually, the colors alone in patches and washes satisfy my feelings for a color immersion. As I’ve been shifting my perspective of sharing HeartSingingWalk from secretively personal to universally integrated, I’m allowing sensory shape to become visible.
As I write this, especially those words “universally integrated”, I realize that this journey of consciousness is actually way bigger than my own life! What seems to me now to be a big transformation for me in my own life CAN go even beyond what I have been imagining, until now anyway. I have been fairly daunted with the vision of a tribe of a hundred embracing and integrating HeartSingingWalk in their lives. Suppose the true spirit of HeartSingingWalk is to reach even further than my community! How about thousands walking to Wild Wind and Senses Walk! Holy Moly! That knots my stomach!
Hesitance Reframed
I found my first ever blogpost on a wordpress.com site I had forgotten about! I thought I had lost that post, thinking it had been posted on my wordpress.org website. But, while commenting on a friend’s blog and having to sign in, I discovered MY blog! What’s even more interesting is that the sentiments revealed in that post mirror my current feelings about being visible in the world – even after seven years of growing into this new role.
What’s different is that NOW I am much more patient with the pace at which my transformation is occurring. I can see the growth that has taken place, and appreciate more and more just how monumental it is to transform deep limiting beliefs. I’m open to the idea that the beliefs that linger are the ones that contain my true purpose for life, and also are the source of my power and my niche. It’s the very people who recognize themselves in MY transformation who I am here to serve! The more I’m willing to SHARE my steps of evolving intentionally from a shy, invisible heartsinger into a joyously prosperous, dynamically visible and authentically transformed leader the more others on the same journey can see me as a model. Read this post from February, 2010 to see my mindset when I started my coaching business. Then, stay tuned for the continued tales of transformation!
My S.T.O.R.Y.
“I’m not doing a real business because I don’t have clear products and services or even feel comfortable inviting someone who is struggling with planning to talk with me. I lurk in someone else’s coaching circle, offering suggestions with no authority or compensation; I comment in the women’s hiking group, requesting fb friends, but don’t have my own group. And if I do share, I’ll do it wrong.I should have my own group but I don’t have time! I don’t know what to call it! Poor me! Dumb me! Unworthy me! Not doing this right me!”
Reality
My ex, three sons and baby grandson all got together this weekend – on the opposite shore of the country. I wasn’t there – and shouldn’t have been. At least, that’s what my current S.T.O.R.Y. (Sustained Tale Of Repressed Yearning) supports.
What a perfect situation for the steps of Radical Forgiveness: allowing my feelings to arise,
noticing my judgements, loving myself for having them, and being open to a new perspective.
That new perspective was suggested in a Satori Game that I played with a client a few days before the family visit.
Important Details
A dreaming Pacific Crest Trail hiker posed this question in a women’s hiking forum: “When & where will you start? how long have you been planning? Would you share some of your plans/knowlege… I’m so nervous I feel I will leave some important detail out.”
She’s touching on one of the Five Essentials in the Guiding Star for Radiant Hiking, and that’s TIMING. Timing is essential in many aspects of our fulfilling walks. When we consider our hike in our life, the timing in the seasons, the timing of each section, in our daily pace, and even in the timing of each step, we can fashion a walk that builds from the inside out, one that takes outer shape from our inner intention. Our hike becomes an expression of our purpose and our physical and spiritual rhythm.
Heartsinging Pace
I’ve weighed in on a thread started by a mom concerned that her daughter is discouraged on her Appalachian Trail hike. I found out that she’s walked over 200 miles in her first two weeks on the trail, starting in early March on Springer Mountain, Georgia. Here’s my response:
If that’s her heartsinging pace, then bravo. As a ridgerunner, listening to hundreds of hikers, I discovered that the happy, fulfilled hikers were those who found a personal pace that came from within, matching their own body’s comfort with their walk’s purpose. The unhappy, worn out ones were pushing themselves to “make miles” according to some formula they had heard from outside. The hike became something they felt forced to do, and many had something else they’d rather be doing. I believe there’s an inner purpose and pace that evokes a fulfilling, energizing, heartsinging walk! May hers be so! #singingheartwalk
Blame Game Blessings
I’m reminded this morning, having experienced a massive flow of people at the Visitor Center yesterday, of the value of letting those stuffed Emotional Beachballs from the past go BEFORE I am in tough situations. No one taught me that as a child, or even as a young adult, but I’m glad I know it now! Looking back, I see that the best I could do when upset was walk away without saying anything, without notice. Well, that seemed inappropriate, BUT, it sure was better than exploding, which is what could have happened (oh yes, I did that a few times too as the shattered dishes can attest).
Playing the Blame Game often, in
safe company to witness and validate my S.T.O.R.Y. with love, is what I know to do now, diffusing the stuffed energy from the past so the present is less intense. That way, the steam’s not all built up, ready to blow unexpectedly.
Buzz of Visioning
I’m in another world. It’s all in my imagination! I’m writing a letter for my partner, imagining him in a position that I think would be perfect for him!
It’s hard to concentrate on the details of the actual details of the reality I’m actually in right now. The energy buzz of imagining is strong – and distracting! Better than a movie because it’s composed in true feelings.
I realize that once I imagined and felt THIS situation when I applied for the job I got. The details that I could not imagine are now my physical reality.
This reminds me to rely on and trust the Creative Cycle, using it consciously to work with Spirit to build a fulfilling life.
Even Facebook reminds me that this cycle plays in my life with its “Four years ago today” memory.