February 4, 2020
“It’s fine to explore relationship, but my brain can’t process all the questions. I feel bombarded with the questions I don’t have answers for.”
That’s his response to my courageous sharing that I know that my limiting beliefs about relating get in my way. My belief, my experience, is that when I share, or request, what I want or show how I am, then the relationship cracks. My recollection of that happening in all six of my previous love relationships is vivid. I wonder how to do it differently.
And, I still have no facility about how to do that. There is one difference. He didn’t say “I hate you” or “I’m not like that” or silence and no further communication” or “If I had known you were like that I would never have married you.”
He said, “I want to stay with you because you are precious and I love you.”
He stayed asleep, snoring. I walked, then went back.
Why do you not talk with me and find out what I want. What I need. You insist on guessing, then when I talk, you break down and say your biggest priority is to fulfill my needs. It doesn’t make sense! It’s the ultimate in control!
After two hours of napping after he fell asleep while I was reading chapter 14, he prepared food. “Would you like a salad?” Salad placed next to the bed. I are at the table while he did the dishes, then ate his salad. Tea was presented, no query. Fish was presented. No conversation about that.
“What was the question you asked this morning?” I responded. “I don’t remember asking a question. I remember talking about my relationship with limiting beliefs.”
Back to silence.
“Maybe you need to tell me what we need to do.”
“What’s in that book.”
“We have been doing that. Reading and absorbing the material.”
“Are you willing to do a worksheet?”
“Maybe it’s in the back of the book.”
No it is not.
Breakdown again when I told him that one way to get a worksheet is to go to radicalforgiveness.com and sign up. “I’m too tired”
So, now it’s 4:45 and he is asleep again. He has not left the house all day except to empty the trash. I took my walk this morning. I am open to supporting him in this process, open that I can do my own work, raise my vibration, stay focused on manifesting a mutually fulfilling relationship, and open that that may not be with him. I am open that it can be with him. I am open that I will know this by his birthday, April 14th in which date we can celebrate whatever choice we make, to expand in Love or go forth independently.