This is really not the first day of this journey. I’ve been laying this path for a long time, maybe my whole life, certainly for the past five years. Today is the day I acknowledged to my husband that I do intend to meet up again with a man I love being with and I will be in the process of divorce by then. I’m not as brazen and bold as this all sounds. It took several years of him wheedling me to fill in the blanks of that intention. I’ve been avoiding it, hoping that he would meet me with a creative open marriage.
No dice.
My first inclination is to hide. To isolate myself and weather this transition alone. In shame.
However, my new profession is to support people in their tough transitions, loving themselves through thick or thin, high and low, joy, anger, guilt, shame – all of it. So, why not walk my talk? Walk my walk? What more perfect opportunity to demonstrate using the tools of Radical Forgiveness than in my own reality show?
It’s all unwritten and yet to unfold.
So, let the story begin.
Day One
I embark on my public journey through divorce. It’s tempting to use the Trailjournals.com format. Each day would have a starting point and a destination. Miles hiked. Gear. Food. Resupply.
I’ve not been much of a writer. If I were, I’d be spinning out pages right now. Instead, I want to go to sleep. Or eat. Lie in bed and feel my feelings. Anything but share.
Well, here’s what I wrote in answer to John’s email that said,
Here’s another experiment. Can you fill in these two blanks?
1. The next time I expect to see John Lowden is on _______________ (date)
2. I do/do not ______ plan to be divorced by that date.
I sat for a long time deliberating over my answer. I could be snide. I could ignore it. I could twist it around and be conniving. The timing was perfect, as I had just this morningj had a coaching call with my life coach acknowledging that I am clear about my next steps to my next goals – be driving to Maine on October first. What will have happened by then is:
1. Divorce
I’ve declared it to myself and to my coach. How could I skirt the issue with my husband?
A knot formed in my stomach. I sat frozen in fear. Filled with knowing, I wrote:
Here’s another experiment. Can you fill in these two blanks?
1. The next time I (expect) would like to see John Lowden is on October 2 (date) if all the other stuff needed to be done to have that be a possibility is done and I have the stamina and courage to allow self love and expression to dominate fear and guilt and I stay alive.
2. I plan to be in the process of divorce and I agree to stay safe and inflict no harm on myself by that date and also continue to imagine that there is the possibility of Radical Forgiveness and miracles of healing and freedom for both of us. I plan to get support for making this choice, open to the possibility that there is transformation here that surpasses the fear I have of taking this step. The fear of your anger is very big for me. I don’t know what you will do and I am afraid of that – for you and me both. It’s so strange how I want to request your help in navigating this situation. I have been so reliant on your presence in making the big decisions of my adult life, even when I’m making a choice to let go of the security that you have provided. This is a chance for me to grow up.
