October 25, 2017
I got it today how my S.T.O.R.Y. Sustained Tale Of Repressed Yearning) becomes my reality even when the facts fail to support it.
It’s going on 3 p.m. and I’m writing. Not just am I writing, but I’m sitting next to a luxurious pool where Marilyn Monroe stayed. And, I have the whole thing to myself! I have the rest of the day to do my work that three hours ago I was convinced would be sabotaged by someone else. Actually, that someone is doing my laundry, having said “Take your time. What you’re doing is important.”
Those are the current facts of the situation. My S.T.O.R.Y. – that my work doesn’t matter, demonstrated by his taking a side trip from our morning walk, that my requests are ignored which proves that this is an unworkable partnership if I want to pursue my writing, painting, coaching – occupied my mind for almost three hours!
We had completed our planned sunrise-seeking adventure, in which I was 100% enrolled and participating, believing that I had clearly made my request to be back around noon. 10:00! Great!
“I’d like to set myself up for doing my writing” as we leave ghost mountain at 10 a.m. “Don’t you want to see the ghost mountain vantage point?” “Yes.” I reply, believing that would be our turning point.
10:45 after finding that point. “I just want to drive a little further. Is that ok?” “Well, the more time we go on, the less time I’m writing. You’re driving.” I say. However, I’m thinking, “”This is how it happens! I make my request. It gets over ruled, then more over ruled, then we’re on His Adventuring. My request interferes, fades in value. I argue inside that it would be better to never have a personal vision, unless I do it by myself.
11:00″Do you have a destination?” I ask.
“That overlook ahead.” I don’t know what that is. I stop investing energy in my writing project. I’ll have quick, undeveloped blogposts. Maybe quick work on the questionaire. I imagine how I will deny and sabotage my project with fatigue when we eventually get home. Still headed south, away from home, an hour past the outing I had co-created.
I feel betrayed, angry, resigned to powerlessness in this relationship. I explore ways I could honor myself – have my own car. Take separate journeys.
11:15 after stopping at the overlook of canyon sin nombre. “Sometime we could watch the sunrise on Egg Mountain, then come here. I’m just going to go a teeny bit further.”
We are now focused on finding east and where sunrise happens, close to the southern end of the Park.
11:27 “Returning to base.”
mileage 653.4 – 670. 17 miles beyond our co-created route. 34 miles round trip. 1.8 hours.
I haven’t said a word, stewing, discussing inwardly that maybe I have a S.T.O.R.Y. Calculating that it will be 2 p.m. before we get home. Maybe he’ll want to do another side trip. I’ll say, “Sure. I can switch to that instead of writing.”
He drives directly home. We arrive at 12:40, just forty minutes past noon.
Poof! My two-hour inner drama of betrayal, sabotage, separation, and powerlessness has just been dissolved by reality!
Maybe my real story is that I’m afraid to get close to someone, that I myself discount my work!
A square in the Satori game comes to mind: Self-acceptance. “I love myself being in my feelings about this, and know that when I’m ready I can choose peace.”
The luxurious pool surrounded by rugged desert mountains reminds me that I am blessed. Why not choose peace?