What will it take to know myself as someone who confidently requests and receives money in exchange for my coaching? Today, I acknowledge my belief that I’m acting as if these statements are true: “It’s not ok to request payment for hiking consultation because others do it free.” AND “It’s silly to think that hiking coaching could be my real job! Ridgerunning is a real job, nature interpreting is a real job, but coaching while hiking can’t be a real job.”
What an interesting occurrence! This morning when I immersed myself in my nonsensory energy through sensory tones and colors, I felt drawn to linger, to truly immerse myself in the security and familiarity of the exercise, the vitality of the colors. Is that a characteristic of being 23 days into this practice?
Or that today I really needed the balance and vibrance? As the day unfolded, I succumbed to uncomfortable physical symptoms of headache and nausea, that got worse at work.
I’ve come to recognize these symptoms as my manifestation of suppressed emotions. I was upset and stuffing the feelings. Although I haven’t mastered the art of avoiding the syndrome, I’m willing to acknowledge the emotional nature of it. This time, I caught on early and rearranged the day to go home and rest.
Do you make plans, then have backup plans, or fallback plans, none of which seem like what you REALLY want to be doing? The source of the plans are from a list of thinhs I already know are possible because they are already being done, either by me or someone else. I lived like that for decades. I was really good at accommodating, always making the best of my life, willing myself to be content with the life I knew was possible. I believed that what I really wanted, the intimate partnership I desired, the lifestyle and purpose I saw others living that enticed me, were unavailable to me. I resigned myself to accepting what I had, acknowledging that it was the best that I COULD have.
An argument is wrangling inside me. There’s an actual physical tension in my belly. That’s the FEELING of fear and guilt attached to the thought, “Those other people who have written their books and created their films about their Appalachian Trail journeys are better than I. I have a wonderful personal story of transformation and love, but I haven’t written my story! I don’t deserve recognition or getting attention, and on and on….”
Well, today, I know that this is a S.T.O.R.Y. – a Sustained Tale Of Repressed Yearning, playing out for my learning and growing. And today, I know that I can love myself having this Story and take it into the Thirteen Steps. So, I’m off to do that! Perfect setup for NonSenses Immersion!
A friend sent a reframe of my Old Story “I was cheating on my husband while hiking”. Her words suggested this other perspective: “your marriage was cheating on you. You were being true to yourself. I hadn’t thought of that before! From that angle, the shame can subside.
Heart’s green light flows today, from a self-loving center core out to the world.
I watched the video of Mary Poppins, followed by Saving Mr Banks which reveals the story of P.L. Travers’ journey to signing over the rights to her creation. It was a Radical Forgiveness journey. How? The author had a S.T.O.R.Y., a Sustained Tale of Repressed Yearning. Mary Poppins had been Mrs. Travers’ characterization of her childhood experience with her dad, Mary Poppins playing the role of magical rescuer and someone who set things right.
What I realized from Saving Mr Banks was that what it took to share Mary Poppins with the world through the eyes of Walt Disney was “finishing the story”. Allowing her dad to rise out of his prison, to find his joy AND be prosperous, let her share Mary Poppins with the world. Letting there be a New Story, set Mary Poppins free.
I lovingly embrace ALL my life experiences with ease and joy.
Even the scary ones! Even the ones that invite me to allow one certain man to love me and know what I ‘m thinking and feeling. Even the ones that mean sharing, sharing, sharing (oh my! this is so hard for me and I don’t know why, oh wait, I do know why, it’s because I might make a mistake and someone could be uncomfortable and judge me for being greedy when really they’re seeing themsleves in me because they want to be brave and share what Spirit sings in them…….)
Here’s what I’m taking into my NonSenses Immersion today: I embrace all my life’s experiences with confidence and joy. Where did that come from? Louise Hay’s list of affirmations. My arm has been hurting for a while and her view suggests that’d a sign of resistance to receiving. Interesting!
Another suggestion that receptivity may be a challenge for me was my reaction to watching Milana Leshinski’s invitation to join her Joint Venture Insider’s Circle. “It wouldn’t work for ME! I’m too different. My idea doesn’t fit.”
My Nonsenses Charging paintings the past two days have emerged with form! Usually, the colors alone in patches and washes satisfy my feelings for a color immersion. As I’ve been shifting my perspective of sharing HeartSingingWalk from secretively personal to universally integrated, I’m allowing sensory shape to become visible.
As I write this, especially those words “universally integrated”, I realize that this journey of consciousness is actually way bigger than my own life! What seems to me now to be a big transformation for me in my own life CAN go even beyond what I have been imagining, until now anyway. I have been fairly daunted with the vision of a tribe of a hundred embracing and integrating HeartSingingWalk in their lives. Suppose the true spirit of HeartSingingWalk is to reach even further than my community! How about thousands walking to Wild Wind and Senses Walk! Holy Moly! That knots my stomach!
I found my first ever blogpost on a wordpress.com site I had forgotten about! I thought I had lost that post, thinking it had been posted on my wordpress.org website. But, while commenting on a friend’s blog and having to sign in, I discovered MY blog! What’s even more interesting is that the sentiments revealed in that post mirror my current feelings about being visible in the world – even after seven years of growing into this new role.
What’s different is that NOW I am much more patient with the pace at which my transformation is occurring. I can see the growth that has taken place, and appreciate more and more just how monumental it is to transform deep limiting beliefs. I’m open to the idea that the beliefs that linger are the ones that contain my true purpose for life, and also are the source of my power and my niche. It’s the very people who recognize themselves in MY transformation who I am here to serve! The more I’m willing to SHARE my steps of evolving intentionally from a shy, invisible heartsinger into a joyously prosperous, dynamically visible and authentically transformed leader the more others on the same journey can see me as a model. Read this post from February, 2010 to see my mindset when I started my coaching business. Then, stay tuned for the continued tales of transformation!