I woke up this morning to the sound of rain on the window, and voices in the hostel kitchen discussing how we are all stuck here. The trail is closed due to the forest fire, for an indeterminant amount of time. Everyone is fretting about the miles they will be missing. Everyone but me, that is.I am lying in bed feeling miserable and wondering why. Other than the usual nagging issues of knees and feet, physically I feel fine. Although there is that deep fatigue that comes from walking many miles carrying 25-30 pounds,but it is more than that. I want to quit. I want to go home. I miss my friends; I miss my life. I miss hot running water. I hate having dirty hands all the time. Now I can’t even hike the next 14 miles because the trail is closed, so I have to rework my food plan as well as recalculate daily mileage and where to camp at night. It is overwhelming. Quitting weighs heavily on my mind. Should I or shouldn’t I? I’ve hiked an awful long ways and lived to tell about it. So I have accomplished something. But it is not enough. Sighing heavily, I get out of bed and go make a cup of tea, hoping to bring clarity to this miasma.
Having downed the first cup, I decide the first step is to fix the knee and leg cramp issue. I call and make an appointment for a massage. That done, I work on the second cup of tea. The mind fog is clearing, and I realize that I cannot quit today. It is a well know fact that you never, ever quit on a bad day. If you truly want to quit, it must be done on a day with beautiful blue sky, white puffy clouds, sun shining, temperature perfect for hiking, beautiful views and a wonderful place to camp. That is when you can toss down your pack and say goodbye to the trail.
During my massage, there at the hostel/lodge, I am told that Hot Springs is a place many people quit or think of quitting. We have all come 273 miles and everyone is worn thin. As the massage therapist stated, many have breakdowns about now, and many leave the trail. She assures me that what I am going through is normal and to be expected. I feel a great sense of relief. I am not alone in my struggle. This later proves to be true as I sit with other hikers around the dinner table, and we honestly evaluate how we are viewing this adventure. What an eyeopener: they all feel the same. It is hard, hard work, day after day. Everyone is working hard to remain positive, but again, even that is hard work!!
Tonight I met my new hiking partner, Kangapard. She wears a kangaroo hat and when it was cold, she had leopard print pants. Thus the trail name Kangapard!
She had been hiking with her cousin, and it just wasn’t working out. I invited her to look over my mileage plan and see if she wanted to hike with me for the week, covering from Hot Springs, NC to Erwin, TN. It is always reassuring to have a hiking buddy, especially camping. I told her of my struggles, and that I had decided not to quit today, but to give it another week until I reached Erwin.
I reread all the wonderful supportive journal entries readers have sent in and take strength from them. Thanks to social media, more support comes pouring in through Facebook. I sent a message to fellow Trail Dames telling of my woes, and they begin a network of communication to see who is in the area that may be able to help, in any way. Offers come pouring in. Everyone wants me to succeed, even people who don’t know me. I am uplifted. I will try again. I will continue on……..
This is a typical post about trail depression that lights my fire!!!! I want to jump all over this and fix the situation with ForgivenessWalks! If she had been a client of mine, first of all, she would not be pushing herself to accept the inevitable hurting feet and knees. Pain is NOT a radiantly fulfilling way of being! That’s all about TIMING!
Second, I would coach her to LOVE HERSELF HAVING THIS EXPERIENCE! Congratulations! The moment for USING THE TOOLS is here! The journey is bringing up what’s really there for her to look at, to embrace, to transform! Yes, it’s about discipline and stamina and keeping calm and carrying on. Well, really, in my book, NO! It’s about being REAL!!! Feel all the feelings first and then calmness happens.
I would be coaching her by honoring her story, then hearing the belief that’s down underneath it all. Loving this uncertainty, becoming aware of the limiting beliefs. Perhaps, she’s doing her transformation in the best way she knows. Looks like Hot Springs could be a good place for ForgievenessWalks!
How I can use this post is as a prompt for some MOJO type language: using one of Isabel’s tools to make a bridge between what she’s saying and what my view is. For example, “A popular view of trail stress is to do one’s best to ignore it, to ignore the difficulties and just convince oneself to keep going. The motto ‘keep calm and carry on’ represents this view quite well. One must take the physical journey steps in spite of emotional reluctance or in spite of feelings. The Outer Journey is master, the primary focus, and must be continued no matter what. When I talk with hikers, however, I find that allowing them to feel their feelings, really letting the homesickness, the fatigue, the physical pain, the relentless plodding come to the surface and be acknowledged, then the deeper longing can be seen. Touching on one’s Inner Journey, really relishing the existence and the importance of why one is truly engaged in this AT journey, opens up new respect for each hiker’s purpose and puts the physical journey into a different perspective. Hikers then experience a new freedom to design their physical, Outer Journey to accommodate and express their Inner Journey. They begin to see the trail as a blank canvas on which to paint their own intentional journey, one that matches her own body, her own life, her own timing, budget, all of those aspects. Her journey becomes a fulfilling relationship with herself painted on the trail, not like so many other cookie-cutter hikes that create statistics like “a lot of hikers quit at Hot Springs.”
Paying attention to all five essentials of a radiantly fulfilling walk, especially Having Reliable Tools for Shifting Energy, gives a brilliant Guiding Star for that journey. That’s HeartSinging Walk!
| Keep calm and carry on….. |
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