May 23, 2017
A stab at speaking about filfillment.
”What is it that you want, in your heart, to be doing? My guess, and my experience, is that when I wrote out every day what I imagined I’d be doing and feeling that made my heart sing and then started doing that, telling others about it, and looking for it, many things around me shifted. Mostly, though, I realized that it was mostly the inner journey, cultivating authentic gratitude and service, that made me available for a job to appear. I believe that it is I who brings fulfillment to whatever I’m doing rather than an occupation being the source of fulfillment. For me, doing what I want for a living, did require letting go of a lot! I don’t pretend to know about your inner journey, just sharing about my own. I see you as someone who could light the world with doing what you truly want to do, and I don’t even know what that is!”
May 17, 2017
Huzzah for speaking up for basic services! My “basic economy” ticket on delta left me with a seat “assigned at the gate”. What an uneasy feeling! At 3:30 am local time I called delta saying, “I really want to know that delta cares about me by assuring me that I have a seat before I get to the gate. What would it take to get that?” “Buy a different ticket next time,” Debbie said. “How about for this flight? Can you tell me if the flight’s overbooked? ” She replied, “No, but I’ll check the seating chart. “Wow!”, I said, “Having a seat would really make a big difference for me! I’m feeling like you really care about me!” Well, she found seats for both flights, and changed my status! I now have seats and a boarding pass! Rachel Rossiter Trabelsi, I was thinking of you as I practiced what you helped me learn during my Introduction Leader Program – affirming my value and being grateful in advance. And, Debbie Unterman Deanna Hohnhorst Colin Tipping for creating the Satori board game that helps me practice the words and feelings of New Stories like “I’m worthy to receive what I need”. I thanked Debbie, then asked if there was someone I could tell about her service. I assured her supervisor that it really helped me to get that service and will now board the flight believing that delta cares about me. That’s my contribution today toward creating a world of generosity and service. Basic Service. Gratitude in advance.
May 11, 2017
Tonight I took a solo adventure! I rode the bike to Borrego Palm Canyon trailhead at dusk. I noticed the upper theatre light on and rode up to turn it off. While sitting quietly on the table there I heard a sound. “A bullfrog?” I wondered. That didn’t seem right.
Just then, I heard another sound – rocks falling. That could only mean bighorn sheep on the mountainside. Yes! There was a sheep moving across the slope. A second one moved behind it! The croaking sound came again. It was the sheep grunting!
May 11, 2017
Feeling unfulfilled has nothing to do with him. Being solo has shown me that. It’s clear that my disappointments, low energy, scattered focus and distraction are not caused by him. I’ve done it to myself!
In my solo month, I’ve hardly accomplished any of the things I thought were so important – doing touch for health, painting, journaling. Tiredness has pervaded me. Attraction to the political drama playing out in the country saps my time and dominates my attention.
May 4, 2017
I know I must have limiting beliefs about relating because I feel entangled, stuck, resistant. He even says, emphatically, “No, we have not achieved all we can in our relationship!” However, when I contribute that what I want in a relationship is transformation of Old Stories, he says, “I want to support you getting that.” (Not, “yes, I want that too!”)
It occurs to me that individual fulfillment could be achieved solo! My biggest resistance to committing to partnership with him is forfeiting my preferences. I’m enjoying a lot about being solo.
May 1, 2017
I notice this morning that my awareness of my body and my quandary about physical fitness and energy occur as my authentic life. Preparing to participate in Steve’s memorial service amid the Park community occur as tangential occupation. My view is that the Park community is a superficial one, where I act, not where I share deeply, live authentically, reveal my true feelings, forge nourishing friendships. I have integrated Kathy’s admonishment that I shun the Park community as clients, revealing only my skills and interests in park interpretation, not Radical Forgiveness. So, I haven’t. And, just as in other times and venues, my full expression is diluted, and I keep my relationships shallow and pleasant. I go to the memorial as a support person, an observer.
April 29, 2017
32 more days solo. I accept my body stiff and feeling fat. I stretch, roll, chant, and breathe Life and Love and Ease and Flexibility into my body. I notice that I thought “precious body” and would not write that.
“I am not my body, but I love and accept the body I have.”
Here’s what I said to a woman struggling to lighten her pack.
“And now, if you’re game for an even deeper exploration, it has helped me immensely to delve into clarifying my purpose for walking. I realized that the trail is a blank canvas on which I paint my own journey, design my own fulfillment. Sure, a popular way to engage with the AT is to backpack long distances. That’s not the only way it can be visited, and, conversely, hiking might not necessarily be the best way to fulfill your dream. It might open up a whole new journey to explore what you’re thinking that hiking the Shenandoah section will provide… ultimately, in my own hiking, I want to create something that makes my heart sing!”