May 4, 2017

I know I must have limiting beliefs about relating because I feel entangled, stuck, resistant. He even says, emphatically, “No, we have not achieved all we can in our relationship!” However, when I contribute that what I want in a relationship is transformation of Old Stories, he says, “I want to support you getting that.” (Not, “yes, I want that too!”)

It occurs to me that individual fulfillment could be achieved solo! My biggest resistance to committing to partnership with him is forfeiting my preferences. I’m enjoying a lot about being solo.

I can write when I want, watch my media choices, eat my favorites, visit others, manage my finances. Would I even be concerned about being solo in this setting? With a car, I would probably even do some exploring, although would often seek out companions or group walks. 

He says, “Looking forward to walking together soon.” I cringe, unwilling to say, “I’m enjoying being solo for now,” projecting that he would make that mean that I don’t value him. It’s that I enjoy choosing my preferences more than being together, where I settle for being discounted and invisible.

How long do I want to string him on? Here’s a belief: I better settle for him because no man would be an ideal partner for me and I’m not open to having a woman for a partner even though that idea has entered my mind. He insists that he wants to be with me, then discounts my preferences when we do something together! 

I’m open that THIS is my story to transform, and that there is a new perception to have. 

The New Story I choose is “I am fulfilled in and by my marriage relationship.”

May 5, 2017

I’m willing to take responsibility for my stories. In service of transforming that old story, I played Satori -twice! On my day off I played with a friend, a first time being outright invited over to someone’s home in this place! She relished my offer of a game and our journey through the Satori board. That game invited me to delve into my Waldorf story. I retouched those feelings, found some lingering tension, and told her the truth that those feelings upset my stomach. She wants to play again!

Yesterday morning, I played a breakfast game. New Story: “I am strong enough to take on the world because I believe I can”.  Mainly, I’m integrating the reframe, “I let go of my old story and refuse to put any more energy in it.” Today, I wake up catching myself thinking of the old story and practicing not buying it!  I am willing to consider being authentic, visible, and committed to discovering and articulating my authentic, unique, and precious expression. With a partner!

I love and accept myself exploring the new, unfamiliar territory of imagined fulfillment.

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