January 3, 2017
Here’s my story:
Because he is uncomfortable talking about “sensitive” topics like finances, life dreams, what we’re creating together, politics, I can’t talk about them. I can’t have an intimate relationship, just a sexual one, a caretaking one, a partnered one.
Because he doesn’t want to do Touch for Health with me, or play Satori, paint, journal, or sing that means that I don’t do those things unless I find others outside our relationship to do them with.
And that’s a problem for me because I want a partner who does what I love with me!
That was true with him when we were first together. We walked. We walked the AT. We walked the PCT. We walked the BMT, the Laurel Highlands Trail, the Buckeye Trail, the Superior Hiking Trail.
I had the idea to become a transformational hiking coach and earn my living hiking. I worked on that, so far for 7 years, clarifying my message, my products, my infrastructure. I am waiting to commit to it and expand because he doesn’t want to do it with me. I tried marketing a group program during our walk last summer, but found daily blogging competitive with reaching our mileage goal and my marketing ineffective. Talking about it with him frustrated him and separated us. I get it that online marketing of forgivenesswalks is not what lights him up. I believe it is still what would light me up.
Now, we are working at jobs in the same place. Mine is about 80% heartsinging. I do enjoy the ease of working in a structure with regular pay and teamwork. I have broad creative freedom within an agreeable scope of topics.
It’s in a fixed location, far from my kids. The schedule is also fixed with limited time for traveling during the winter. That’s balanced by four months off in summer.
So, what is the core belief that keeps me silent and alone with my heartsinging expression?
Maybe that’s the belief. I am silent and alone in my heartsinging expression.
That resonates. I am silent and alone, not just with my partner, but with everyone, in the World! My heartsinging, in it’s fullest expression, is held captive in my heart, sung only to myself, waiting for someone else to give it a shared platform.
How interesting! When I put those words out, it makes no sense! That can’t be true, except that I’m making it so.
Well, for now, I’m willing to love myself having this story, open to the idea that I have created it for my own benefit. If I can make him responsible, then that lets me off the hook for taking the risk of sharing my message.
Last year, I gave it a fervant go at launching a forgivenesswalks community. It didn’t get any members from my exisiting community.
I could create a fresh journey and offer it. I acknowledge my story and also acknowledge that I am unwilling to say “I refuse to put any more energy in it.”
I feel familiar and in control in this story! To admit it to him, or others, would open up an unfamiliar path and require me to adopt new ways of being. I resist!
I’ll think about this!