What will it take to know myself as someone who confidently requests and receives money in exchange for my coaching? Today, I acknowledge my belief that I’m acting as if these statements are true: “It’s not ok to request payment for hiking consultation because others do it free.” AND “It’s silly to think that hiking coaching could be my real job! Ridgerunning is a real job, nature interpreting is a real job, but coaching while hiking can’t be a real job.”
What an interesting occurrence! This morning when I immersed myself in my nonsensory energy through sensory tones and colors, I felt drawn to linger, to truly immerse myself in the security and familiarity of the exercise, the vitality of the colors. Is that a characteristic of being 23 days into this practice?
Or that today I really needed the balance and vibrance? As the day unfolded, I succumbed to uncomfortable physical symptoms of headache and nausea, that got worse at work.
I’ve come to recognize these symptoms as my manifestation of suppressed emotions. I was upset and stuffing the feelings. Although I haven’t mastered the art of avoiding the syndrome, I’m willing to acknowledge the emotional nature of it. This time, I caught on early and rearranged the day to go home and rest.
Do you make plans, then have backup plans, or fallback plans, none of which seem like what you REALLY want to be doing? The source of the plans are from a list of thinhs I already know are possible because they are already being done, either by me or someone else. I lived like that for decades. I was really good at accommodating, always making the best of my life, willing myself to be content with the life I knew was possible. I believed that what I really wanted, the intimate partnership I desired, the lifestyle and purpose I saw others living that enticed me, were unavailable to me. I resigned myself to accepting what I had, acknowledging that it was the best that I COULD have.
An argument is wrangling inside me. There’s an actual physical tension in my belly. That’s the FEELING of fear and guilt attached to the thought, “Those other people who have written their books and created their films about their Appalachian Trail journeys are better than I. I have a wonderful personal story of transformation and love, but I haven’t written my story! I don’t deserve recognition or getting attention, and on and on….”
Well, today, I know that this is a S.T.O.R.Y. – a Sustained Tale Of Repressed Yearning, playing out for my learning and growing. And today, I know that I can love myself having this Story and take it into the Thirteen Steps. So, I’m off to do that! Perfect setup for NonSenses Immersion!
I love this kind of experience when a practice I have chosen as a habit surprises me with a novel result. Nonsenses Immersion did that today! First of all, I had the feeling to start with purple instead of red. I played the tone for that highest energy level and laid on the color. It just didnt feel right! The lowest tone and red light felt calming, grounding. Blue wanted a ckear crisp boundary – all around the frame, then stars! Oh my, this is interesting! Finally, violet had its reprise. Ah! This feels expansive and uplifting, as that spiritually connected nonsense is. The crisp edges came again and lingering with various shades of purple created a playful satisfying feeling. Fullness, richness, connection with Life fills me! I feel blessed with Light all around!
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