Holding Back

August 15, 2016

I am not sharing my story. I am waiting. Letting someone else call the shots. Being a loyal partner while settling for unfulfillment, taking what comes, avoiding  creating. Making assumptions that deep connection is not possible.

Avoiding taking a close look and going deeper myself.

Interesting that on this section, I now have ample time to write, to post, to connect, and I decided going into it that I wouldn’t. I would focus on making miles, letting the blogging fall away. Ironically, I have now been in this hostel for 24 hours. And I don’t want to share!

My walk seems unremarkable. I am Holding back.

I am making comments on others’ posts, writing emails to my family. Not publishing blogs. Lurking, not sharing.

Telling myself, “What I’m doing is not interesting to others, doesn’t matter, pales in comparison to the olympics, the campaign, the thruhikes.” I don’t 100% believe that, but still have a resistance to sharing anything with my list. I think, “They just want to be entertained while I do the walking, the writing, the considering, keeping up with the blogging even when it’s inconvenient, not responding, acknowledging, engaging. They want me to keep giving at my own expense.” Then, I chide myself for being selfish, arrogant, stingy, small-minded.

Right now, though, other stories are more: olympics, campaign, teralyn, Sue, Jim McClurkin. The church people are more generous than I.

Can I love myself being reluctant? Love myself being in conversation with just my family, not others? Love myself turning inward, questioning, allowing, settling?

Is it enough to be focusing my energy on my body, my rest, my inwardness? Just accomplishing the walk for myself and not on stage?

Funny, I want to ask a few people in my community- Vera, Anna, Scott, Renee. I know that sharing, even sharing this stream of consciousness banter, would be welcome, and yet I’m guarding myself, reluctant to be so generous with my story. I don’t want to be pitied and advised and soothed. Maybe I just want to be invisible right now, and love that.

So be it. I will allow, and follow, and comply.

Posted in Outreach.

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