Solo Success

May 11, 2017

Tonight I took a solo adventure! I rode the bike to Borrego Palm Canyon trailhead at dusk. I noticed the upper theatre light on and rode up to turn it off. While sitting quietly on the table there I heard a sound. “A bullfrog?” I wondered. That didn’t seem right. 

Just then, I heard another sound – rocks falling. That could only mean bighorn sheep on the mountainside. Yes! There was a sheep moving across the slope. A second one moved behind it! The croaking sound came again. It was the sheep grunting!

I watched til I could only hear and not see the sheep as the light faded. I resolved to stay out until the moon rose, another thirty minutes longer.

And there it was, a red moon just above the horizon! I rode back home in the dark, cool air sweeping my bare arms. “I’m just getting the rhythm of being solo, and now I only have five more days!” I thought. 

This is a good place for me! I enjoy choosing my activities freely. I like having my stuff spread out on the kit hen table! I choose partnership that feels as free as solo, and even better than solo! 

It’s Not Him

May 11, 2017

Feeling unfulfilled has nothing to do with him. Being solo has shown me that. It’s clear that my disappointments, low energy, scattered focus and distraction are not caused by him. I’ve done it to myself!

In my solo month, I’ve hardly accomplished any of the things I thought were so important – doing touch for health, painting, journaling. Tiredness has pervaded me. Attraction to the political drama playing out in the country saps my time and dominates my attention.

On the other hand, I have been delightfully focused on my schedule of evening programs, spending quality time with a handful of visitors in the evenings. That, at least, has been an admirable focus. I have done my job well. 

I’m willing to love and accept myself and honor what I HAVE done, accepting that my list of desired activities just may exceed the capabilities of my current schedule.

And I do have a quandary about Life energy. It’s been good to be solo to sort out what’s my responsibility to myself in contrast to my responsibility to another.

Flexibility

May 1, 2017

I notice this morning that my awareness of my body and my quandary about physical fitness and energy occur as my authentic life. Preparing to participate in Steve’s memorial service amid the Park community occur as tangential occupation. My view is that the Park community is a superficial one, where I act, not where I share deeply, live authentically, reveal my true feelings, forge nourishing friendships. I have integrated Kathy’s admonishment that I shun the Park community as clients, revealing only my skills and interests in park interpretation, not Radical Forgiveness. So, I haven’t. And, just as in other times and venues, my full expression is diluted, and I keep my relationships shallow and pleasant. I go to the memorial as a support person, an observer. 

I wonder now, having observed this, if I’m making it up that authentic sharing of my worldview and feelings is prohibited. Maybe it would actually be better to share space for Satori or painting or Touch for Health. Saying “yes” to that conjurs up a list of “yeah buts”. Hmm. That’s a good clue that the construct could just be mine, keeping me safe!

Later- guess what? I felt integral, connected, understood, and vital to the Park community, notably Eli’s family. Nobody knew how to be, how to understand. All of us are baffled, saddened, mystified by Steve’s passing! I’m right there in the group with everyone else!

Stretch

April 29, 2017

32 more days solo. I accept my body stiff and feeling fat. I stretch, roll, chant, and breathe Life and Love and Ease and Flexibility into my body. I notice that I thought “precious body” and would not write that. 

“I am not my body, but I love and accept the body I have.”

Desert Sage

April 25, 2017

Solo, walking resolutely toward Maidenhair Falls, desert wanderer interrupts my inner conversation about how to entice others to desert enlightenment. 

His words blend with and expand my own with refreshing validation and nourishment!

“Between the context of stillness and the occurrence of thought the noticing is the knowing.” Unknown

“I love the crunch of walking in the desert. Enjoy the crunch!” Thomas

I did notice the crunch and not I ed that I don’t enjoy it because it sound a noisy and disruptive to me. I’ll consider it.

I let myself stop to sketch a couple of times, and thoroughly enjoyed my personal pace. I loved my solo walk!



At Home

April 24, 2017

He says, “I feel at home where you are with me.” I cringe. I’ve written this year about feeling empty of myself when we are together. My reply, “I feel at home where I am, too.”

What an irony! “At home” in myself feels so different from “at home” together. Yes, when we’re together, it’s familiar, as I’ve described. I stop talking and sharing. I defer to his preferences. I watch separate entertainment. I go to gatherings he chooses – mostly. I put aside preferred energy-shifting tools. “At home” in myself enjoys indulging in my kids, classical music, slow contemplative walks, especially at sunrise, allowing Forgivenesswalks to form.

Being together feels safe, physically expanding, logically sustaining, but not fulfilling, not “heartsinging.”

What would being in partnership that fulfills both of us look like? I immediately argue that it can’t be done! “Our preferences are not additive!” I balk. I am not interested in marathon driving, end-to-end mountain climbing, drinking alcohol, working year-round seasonal jobs, hanging out with vociferous complainers, avoiding deep consideration of philosophical nuances of life.

I scoff at his likelihood of journaling and drawing, painting, singing, playing Satori, examining emotions, working together as entrepreneurs, exploring energy medicine and balancing, committing to regenerative food habits, talking about spirituality, politics, money and finances! Could he possibly be “At home” with those activities?

Who is the woman he names as me with whom he is at home? Have I become someone who isn’t really me with whom he feels at home? Did I vacate myself to become that person who means “home” to him and “not home” to me?

Whoops! That would be my own creation!!!

Later-

I took a solo adventure. I rode the bike he left to a nearby canyon and walked slowly. I stopped often, I sketched a tree. I turned around before it got hot. No summit. Not “just one more bend”.

 I rode out and to the post office to mail my sister’s copy of energy balancing back to her. I had made a copy for myself. I got back home by 11a.m. just as the wind gusts started. I feasted on stocked up food.

Solo Begins

April 21, 2017

Yesterday evening, I enjoyed the luxury of solo after completing Be Crepuscular. I felt bonded with the participants and fulfilled by a leisurely walk home. Visiting Duane, camphost, lost its charm when he started complaining that no ranger had said goodbye to the others who had left.  Time for solo!

Today starts my 40-day solo journey! Feeling eager, sleepy. I started with one round of Chakra Chant. I’m planning to ride my bike to the VC. Today’s question is “What are the practices that would be fulfilling during my solo journey?” Painting, morning riding, conscious eating, energy balancing, satori, journaling, visiting…

Projection

Fulfillment Partnership Journey

November 1, 2016

I noticed this morning that John asked, “How can I make your morning special?” My response was, “talk with me.”

I ventured into expressing my ever-present imagination of having a life partner who shares my fulfillment. I spoke about that and John listened without balking.

What I noticed is that as soon as I had shared a bit, I balked! I thought, “whoops! There I go again, talking too much, laying out my impossibly demanding, far reaching, complicated, outlandish life-purpose thing that no one else could ever live into! Why can’t I just settle for being loved and cared for?” And then I apologized.

“Sorry I say too much.”

And then, John met me. He said, “Well, I support you in living that purpose, really being it and attracting that partner, and maybe it can be me.”

I noticed that I really don’t believe that I can HAVE my fulfillment partner. I pull back in embellishing the vision, receiving it, believing that I “already have it” as a manifestation in the implicate order.

I project on John NOT having it, that he has to shy away, stop talking, balking. And then I act as if unfulfillment is my reality.

I now know that I have a CHOICE about what to project! 

Step. Step. Step.

Later. We took a walk in a beautiful canyon for a few hours, talking the whole time! Well, we stayed in conversation, but what I got was that the words “life purpose” stirs John’ s unworthiness story!