Gratitude in Advance

May 17, 2017

Huzzah for speaking up for basic services! My “basic economy” ticket on delta left me with a seat “assigned at the gate”. What an uneasy feeling! At 3:30 am local time I called delta saying, “I really want to know that delta cares about me by assuring me that I have a seat before I get to the gate. What would it take to get that?” “Buy a different ticket next time,” Debbie said. “How about for this flight? Can you tell me if the flight’s overbooked? ” She replied, “No, but I’ll check the seating chart. “Wow!”, I said, “Having a seat would really make a big difference for me! I’m feeling like you really care about me!” Well, she found seats for both flights, and changed my status! I now have seats and a boarding pass! Rachel Rossiter Trabelsi, I was thinking of you as I practiced what you helped me learn during my Introduction Leader Program – affirming my value and being grateful in advance. And, Debbie Unterman Deanna Hohnhorst Colin Tipping for creating the Satori board game that helps me practice the words and feelings of New Stories like “I’m worthy to receive what I need”.  I thanked Debbie, then asked if there was someone I could tell about her service. I assured her supervisor that it really helped me to get that service and will now board the flight believing that delta cares about me. That’s my contribution today toward creating a world of generosity and service. Basic Service. Gratitude in advance.

It’s Not Him

May 11, 2017

Feeling unfulfilled has nothing to do with him. Being solo has shown me that. It’s clear that my disappointments, low energy, scattered focus and distraction are not caused by him. I’ve done it to myself!

In my solo month, I’ve hardly accomplished any of the things I thought were so important – doing touch for health, painting, journaling. Tiredness has pervaded me. Attraction to the political drama playing out in the country saps my time and dominates my attention.

On the other hand, I have been delightfully focused on my schedule of evening programs, spending quality time with a handful of visitors in the evenings. That, at least, has been an admirable focus. I have done my job well. 

I’m willing to love and accept myself and honor what I HAVE done, accepting that my list of desired activities just may exceed the capabilities of my current schedule.

And I do have a quandary about Life energy. It’s been good to be solo to sort out what’s my responsibility to myself in contrast to my responsibility to another.

Beliefs

May 4, 2017

I know I must have limiting beliefs about relating because I feel entangled, stuck, resistant. He even says, emphatically, “No, we have not achieved all we can in our relationship!” However, when I contribute that what I want in a relationship is transformation of Old Stories, he says, “I want to support you getting that.” (Not, “yes, I want that too!”)

It occurs to me that individual fulfillment could be achieved solo! My biggest resistance to committing to partnership with him is forfeiting my preferences. I’m enjoying a lot about being solo.

I can write when I want, watch my media choices, eat my favorites, visit others, manage my finances. Would I even be concerned about being solo in this setting? With a car, I would probably even do some exploring, although would often seek out companions or group walks. 

He says, “Looking forward to walking together soon.” I cringe, unwilling to say, “I’m enjoying being solo for now,” projecting that he would make that mean that I don’t value him. It’s that I enjoy choosing my preferences more than being together, where I settle for being discounted and invisible.

How long do I want to string him on? Here’s a belief: I better settle for him because no man would be an ideal partner for me and I’m not open to having a woman for a partner even though that idea has entered my mind. He insists that he wants to be with me, then discounts my preferences when we do something together! 

I’m open that THIS is my story to transform, and that there is a new perception to have. 

The New Story I choose is “I am fulfilled in and by my marriage relationship.”

May 5, 2017

I’m willing to take responsibility for my stories. In service of transforming that old story, I played Satori -twice! On my day off I played with a friend, a first time being outright invited over to someone’s home in this place! She relished my offer of a game and our journey through the Satori board. That game invited me to delve into my Waldorf story. I retouched those feelings, found some lingering tension, and told her the truth that those feelings upset my stomach. She wants to play again!

Yesterday morning, I played a breakfast game. New Story: “I am strong enough to take on the world because I believe I can”.  Mainly, I’m integrating the reframe, “I let go of my old story and refuse to put any more energy in it.” Today, I wake up catching myself thinking of the old story and practicing not buying it!  I am willing to consider being authentic, visible, and committed to discovering and articulating my authentic, unique, and precious expression. With a partner!

I love and accept myself exploring the new, unfamiliar territory of imagined fulfillment.

My Message

Here’s what I said to a woman struggling to lighten her pack. 

“And now, if you’re game for an even deeper exploration, it has helped me immensely to delve into clarifying my purpose for walking. I realized that the trail is a blank canvas on which I paint my own journey, design my own fulfillment. Sure, a popular way to engage with the AT is to backpack long distances. That’s not the only way it can be visited, and, conversely, hiking might not necessarily be the best way to fulfill your dream. It might open up a whole new journey to explore what you’re thinking that hiking the Shenandoah section will provide… ultimately, in my own hiking, I want to create something that makes my heart sing!”

Ants 

April 22, 2017

39 days solo remain. I got up at the usual alarm time and took a walk! I headed east on the dirt road. Coolness and sunlight bathed me. Stiffness relaxed somewhat. Quiet and ease, contentment at designing my morning, lightened my step. “I can wander as I want!”

Projects to accomplish flooded my mind, begging a list. “Not today. Just walk.” I watched ants forging a broad path in a short time. Resolute.

Solo, but definitely not lonely!

Story Dissection

January 3, 2017

I’m perusing an award winning business mentor’s site. She lists products and services from  $19.95 for the book to $50,000 for personal coaching.

I’m saying no, no, no.

What’s behind my no?

I can’t/won’t put my success first, above my job, above my relationship. I assume that transforming myself and my business, my lifestyle, my image, my offerings, would be a full-time, total life makeover endeavor, and that’s too much change!

Not even this success by design master can make MY idea successful! Why? Because my idea is too different. And, again, because I am not 100% committed to fulfilling my dream, telling others that I’m doing it, then dedicating my whole self to it!! 

Or…My idea is repetitive, already out there, done better by others, just another arrogant life coach doing consulting instead of real work, in other words, not different enough!

That is so interesting! I am good at self defeat!

~ Regina 

Because of How He Is

January 3, 2017

Here’s my story:

Because he is uncomfortable talking about “sensitive” topics like finances, life dreams, what we’re creating together, politics, I can’t talk about them. I can’t have an intimate relationship, just a sexual one, a caretaking one, a partnered one.

Because he doesn’t want to do Touch for Health with me, or play Satori, paint, journal, or sing that means that I don’t do those things unless I find others outside our relationship to do them with.

And that’s a problem for me because I want a partner who does what I love with me!

That was true with him when we were first together. We walked. We walked the AT. We walked the PCT. We walked the BMT, the Laurel Highlands Trail, the Buckeye Trail, the Superior Hiking Trail. 

I had the idea to become a transformational hiking coach and earn my living hiking. I worked on that, so far for 7 years, clarifying my message, my products, my infrastructure. I am waiting to commit to it and expand because he doesn’t want to do it with me. I tried marketing a group program during our walk last summer, but found daily blogging competitive with reaching our mileage goal and my marketing ineffective. Talking about it with him frustrated him and separated us. I get it that online marketing of forgivenesswalks is not what lights him up. I believe it is still what would light me up.

Now, we are working at jobs in the same place. Mine is about 80% heartsinging. I do enjoy the ease of working in a structure with regular pay and teamwork. I have broad creative freedom within an agreeable scope of topics. 

It’s in a fixed location, far from my kids. The schedule is also fixed with limited time for traveling during the winter. That’s balanced by four months off in summer.

So, what is the core belief that keeps me silent and alone with my heartsinging expression?

Maybe that’s the belief. I am silent and alone in my heartsinging expression.

That resonates. I am silent and alone, not just with my partner, but with everyone, in the World! My heartsinging, in it’s fullest expression, is held captive in my heart, sung only to myself, waiting for someone else to give it a shared platform.

How interesting! When I put those words out, it makes no sense! That can’t be true, except that I’m making it so.

Well, for now, I’m willing to love myself having this story, open to the idea that I have created it for my own benefit. If I can make him responsible, then that lets me off the hook for taking the risk of sharing my message.

Last year, I gave it a fervant go at launching a forgivenesswalks community. It didn’t get any members from my exisiting community. 

I could create a fresh journey and offer it. I acknowledge my story and also acknowledge that I am unwilling to say “I refuse to put any more energy in it.”

I feel familiar and in control in this story! To admit it to him, or others, would open up an unfamiliar path and require me to adopt new ways of being. I resist!

I’ll think about this!

~ Regina

Stifled Conversation

December 27, 2016

Not talking doesn’t work for me. Relating with him now is like relating to my own 40-year old self. Keeping my opinions and preferences bottled up til they explode out, silent response and revealing body language, poverty consciousness and feigned then regretted generosity. 

I want to relate and create from where I am NOW! Relate with conscious purpose, striving for conscious, vibration-raising conversation.

The situation: john is driving along the carlsbad coast witbout speaking. I don’t know his plan or his desire. He spoke earlier of gping on the walk he told me about which I didn’t hear (“you weren’t listening”). I had envisioned doing our REI errand then returning to take johanna back. Well, we just got on I-5 going north. No walk? Dont know. No speaking. 

My choices:

Rant about not talking. 

Silently go along angry and stressed.

Silently go along observing the scenery, breathing, energizing my nonsenses, writing this post, accepting him as is.

Self Righteous

November 9, 2016

I truly want to grasp what Marnie means here! I would love to sit together with friends Vera, Roger, Kym, and others who envision unity with all, to listen and understand!
She says:

​”Yesterday morning I predicted Trump would win. Want to know the main reason why? Over the last 7 years I have watched the preparation of Light Bearers with messages of freedom to share (spiritual, physical, financial, and emotional restoration). But these people have gone through a lot of hard things in the last few years. We’ve just been trying to survive. 
Maslow knew that people can’t self actualize when the basics are threatened. Lighting the way for others is the last thing on your mind when you’re in survival mode. 
I knew that if we continued along socialist paths, our society’s days were numbered.   Light Bearers would not have the opportunity or time to deliver their foreordained messages. Millions would not be set free and healed. Surely God would not place a good desire in your heart and then not create a way for you to achieve it. 
As we united in prayer to save America, God created a window of time for us to step forward and deliver our messages. And Trump’s boldness paved a way for our voices to be expressed and heard as well. 
We are bolder now, and we have a work to do and a window of time in which to do it. The light bearer chandelier, which had been taken down for cleaning, will now be hoisted back to the ceiling to illuminate the world with Christ’s light. 
Do your work now, my friends. Shine, teach, liberate the captives and bind up the broken hearted. You are Christ’s healing hands! Step forward and rescue and triage the wounded while this season of liberty lasts. #LightTheWorld”

and here……..

“We united in humble prayer, we fasted, we turned to our God, we sought His face, we repented. True to His Word, Our Father heard from heaven and gave us a miracle…. an opportunity to truly heal our land. Any festering wound must first be lanced and cleansed before ointment and a bandage placed upon it. Time. It takes time to heal, but the process has started. 
Thanks, first and foremost, to God and His holy angels who were hard at work answering our prayers to sweep corruption from high places and restore our liberty. God heard our prayers and the cries of the slain and unborn. 
Let us continue to repent and seek His face that He will protect our new leadership and help them ferret out the secret combinations wherever they may be and restore truth, justice and the American way! 
Praying for a smooth transition in what I imagine will not be a pleasant experience for some. Lancing and cleansing is never the most pleasant part of healing a festering wound. Hold still, America. Let the God of heaven do His work and our land will be healed.”

Marnie Marcus

In a spirit of willingness to discover our common ground of Love, what is the meaning here?

Regina

Beliefs Explored

November 8, 2016

Election Day, and I believe that the Radical Forgiveness tools could make a difference for people in the aftermath! Colin shared a  blogpost about that very topic. My mind spins with the idea of having a FB group to field stories and share the tools. 

The idea is followed immediately with doubts and beliefs! “I don’t have time! I don’t have internet! I shouldn’t charge for membership!”

What can I do? What could go wrong? Why not do this? 

Check with the coaches group. Maybe teaming up with others would be good.