January 3, 2017
Here’s my story:
Because he is uncomfortable talking about “sensitive” topics like finances, life dreams, what we’re creating together, politics, I can’t talk about them. I can’t have an intimate relationship, just a sexual one, a caretaking one, a partnered one.
Because he doesn’t want to do Touch for Health with me, or play Satori, paint, journal, or sing that means that I don’t do those things unless I find others outside our relationship to do them with.
And that’s a problem for me because I want a partner who does what I love with me!
That was true with him when we were first together. We walked. We walked the AT. We walked the PCT. We walked the BMT, the Laurel Highlands Trail, the Buckeye Trail, the Superior Hiking Trail.
I had the idea to become a transformational hiking coach and earn my living hiking. I worked on that, so far for 7 years, clarifying my message, my products, my infrastructure. I am waiting to commit to it and expand because he doesn’t want to do it with me. I tried marketing a group program during our walk last summer, but found daily blogging competitive with reaching our mileage goal and my marketing ineffective. Talking about it with him frustrated him and separated us. I get it that online marketing of forgivenesswalks is not what lights him up. I believe it is still what would light me up.
Now, we are working at jobs in the same place. Mine is about 80% heartsinging. I do enjoy the ease of working in a structure with regular pay and teamwork. I have broad creative freedom within an agreeable scope of topics.
It’s in a fixed location, far from my kids. The schedule is also fixed with limited time for traveling during the winter. That’s balanced by four months off in summer.
So, what is the core belief that keeps me silent and alone with my heartsinging expression?
Maybe that’s the belief. I am silent and alone in my heartsinging expression.
That resonates. I am silent and alone, not just with my partner, but with everyone, in the World! My heartsinging, in it’s fullest expression, is held captive in my heart, sung only to myself, waiting for someone else to give it a shared platform.
How interesting! When I put those words out, it makes no sense! That can’t be true, except that I’m making it so.
Well, for now, I’m willing to love myself having this story, open to the idea that I have created it for my own benefit. If I can make him responsible, then that lets me off the hook for taking the risk of sharing my message.
Last year, I gave it a fervant go at launching a forgivenesswalks community. It didn’t get any members from my exisiting community.
I could create a fresh journey and offer it. I acknowledge my story and also acknowledge that I am unwilling to say “I refuse to put any more energy in it.”
I feel familiar and in control in this story! To admit it to him, or others, would open up an unfamiliar path and require me to adopt new ways of being. I resist!
I’ll think about this!
December 27, 2016
Not talking doesn’t work for me. Relating with him now is like relating to my own 40-year old self. Keeping my opinions and preferences bottled up til they explode out, silent response and revealing body language, poverty consciousness and feigned then regretted generosity.
I want to relate and create from where I am NOW! Relate with conscious purpose, striving for conscious, vibration-raising conversation.
The situation: john is driving along the carlsbad coast witbout speaking. I don’t know his plan or his desire. He spoke earlier of gping on the walk he told me about which I didn’t hear (“you weren’t listening”). I had envisioned doing our REI errand then returning to take johanna back. Well, we just got on I-5 going north. No walk? Dont know. No speaking.
Rant about not talking.
Silently go along angry and stressed.
Silently go along observing the scenery, breathing, energizing my nonsenses, writing this post, accepting him as is.
November 9, 2016
I truly want to grasp what Marnie means here! I would love to sit together with friends Vera, Roger, Kym, and others who envision unity with all, to listen and understand!
”Yesterday morning I predicted Trump would win. Want to know the main reason why? Over the last 7 years I have watched the preparation of Light Bearers with messages of freedom to share (spiritual, physical, financial, and emotional restoration). But these people have gone through a lot of hard things in the last few years. We’ve just been trying to survive.
Maslow knew that people can’t self actualize when the basics are threatened. Lighting the way for others is the last thing on your mind when you’re in survival mode.
I knew that if we continued along socialist paths, our society’s days were numbered. Light Bearers would not have the opportunity or time to deliver their foreordained messages. Millions would not be set free and healed. Surely God would not place a good desire in your heart and then not create a way for you to achieve it.
As we united in prayer to save America, God created a window of time for us to step forward and deliver our messages. And Trump’s boldness paved a way for our voices to be expressed and heard as well.
We are bolder now, and we have a work to do and a window of time in which to do it. The light bearer chandelier, which had been taken down for cleaning, will now be hoisted back to the ceiling to illuminate the world with Christ’s light.
Do your work now, my friends. Shine, teach, liberate the captives and bind up the broken hearted. You are Christ’s healing hands! Step forward and rescue and triage the wounded while this season of liberty lasts. #LightTheWorld”
“We united in humble prayer, we fasted, we turned to our God, we sought His face, we repented. True to His Word, Our Father heard from heaven and gave us a miracle…. an opportunity to truly heal our land. Any festering wound must first be lanced and cleansed before ointment and a bandage placed upon it. Time. It takes time to heal, but the process has started.
Thanks, first and foremost, to God and His holy angels who were hard at work answering our prayers to sweep corruption from high places and restore our liberty. God heard our prayers and the cries of the slain and unborn.
Let us continue to repent and seek His face that He will protect our new leadership and help them ferret out the secret combinations wherever they may be and restore truth, justice and the American way!
Praying for a smooth transition in what I imagine will not be a pleasant experience for some. Lancing and cleansing is never the most pleasant part of healing a festering wound. Hold still, America. Let the God of heaven do His work and our land will be healed.”
In a spirit of willingness to discover our common ground of Love, what is the meaning here?
November 8, 2016
Election Day, and I believe that the Radical Forgiveness tools could make a difference for people in the aftermath! Colin shared a blogpost about that very topic. My mind spins with the idea of having a FB group to field stories and share the tools.
The idea is followed immediately with doubts and beliefs! “I don’t have time! I don’t have internet! I shouldn’t charge for membership!”
What can I do? What could go wrong? Why not do this?
Check with the coaches group. Maybe teaming up with others would be good.
Fulfillment Partnership Journey
November 1, 2016
I noticed this morning that John asked, “How can I make your morning special?” My response was, “talk with me.”
I ventured into expressing my ever-present imagination of having a life partner who shares my fulfillment. I spoke about that and John listened without balking.
What I noticed is that as soon as I had shared a bit, I balked! I thought, “whoops! There I go again, talking too much, laying out my impossibly demanding, far reaching, complicated, outlandish life-purpose thing that no one else could ever live into! Why can’t I just settle for being loved and cared for?” And then I apologized.
“Sorry I say too much.”
And then, John met me. He said, “Well, I support you in living that purpose, really being it and attracting that partner, and maybe it can be me.”
I noticed that I really don’t believe that I can HAVE my fulfillment partner. I pull back in embellishing the vision, receiving it, believing that I “already have it” as a manifestation in the implicate order.
I project on John NOT having it, that he has to shy away, stop talking, balking. And then I act as if unfulfillment is my reality.
I now know that I have a CHOICE about what to project!
Step. Step. Step.
Later. We took a walk in a beautiful canyon for a few hours, talking the whole time! Well, we stayed in conversation, but what I got was that the words “life purpose” stirs John’ s unworthiness story!
October 6, 2016
There are things I want to do and ways to be that I have been putting off. Although it’s easiest to say that it’s because I “can’t do those things from within my current partnership.” I put that in quotes because I know that those words are spoken by my victimself settling for her unfulfilling Old Story!
Here are some of what’s missing:
Singing/Playing Satori/Regular Touch-for-health/Using Radical Forgiveness tools every day to expand into love/Visiting friends and family/Fulfilling Forgivenesswalks/Walking slowly and observing Nature/Painting…..
I’m open to the possibility of being fully expressive as myself, claiming my unique expressions in worthiness.
I want to have a relationship founded on talking freely about relating! My partner and I regularly listen, talk, share, and explore our patterns, habits, and old stories of relating. We create New Stories and help each other live into them. We eagerly learn
October 5, 2016
It seems urgent to me that my mother has an explicit plan for her life’s concluding chapter. She’s 89 and says, “this body just needs to die. I miss Jim, and just feel ready to be finished.”
She doesn’t want to talk about how to do that, or what quality of life she wants, or the many variations of those conversations that seem important to ME.
So, it occurs to me that maybe these are questions for ME to explore for myself!
What’s important to me about rounding out my life- physically, emotionally, spiritually. What is this even called? Who is discussing what it looks like to live fully, in good health and spirit and then leave one’s body in completion? I don’t mean suicide, I mean at one’s time of completion!
September 20, 2016
“Where am I? How do these covers work?” I wondered as I tugged at the thick comforter on the hotel bed. “Maybe this is another world from the trail, after all!”
Yesterday morning, light rain pattered on the tarp a couple of feet above my head. I pulled the down bag around me and snuggled back to sleep. “The rain was predicted to start around 3 a.m. so I have time to sleep some more before our final dawn walk to the border.”
A few minutes later John stirred, wondering what time it was. “6:05! The sky is getting light. Time to get up!” We would have slept in, delaying our arrival at the B&B at trail’s end where a shower and laundry beckoned.
It was indeed raining, although lightly, so we went ahead and fixed our morning oatmeal, pouring on the last two tablespoons of our maple syrup, and half of the remaining olive oil. “Save some for the tuna sandwiches!” It was time to finish our last section on this walk, judging by our diminishing food supply. Four dates, four ginger snaps, one pack of tuna, one small serving of mashed potatoes, five cloves of garlic, and a couple of tablespoons of olive oil were all that was left in the food bag.
Breaking camp took the usual 20 minutes, and we were off with 4.4 miles to walk to the end of the Long Trail. I savored the details of the forest and even the guesswork of maneuvering each step. Too soon, I knew, we’d be out of the woods.
A short two hours later we touched the “end of the trail” sign and emerged from the woods to the cleared corridor that signified the U.S.-Canada border. We chuckled at the frolicking blue jay as it wove back and forth over the imaginary blockade only we humans perceived. The bird made no meaning of the surveillance apparatus poised secretively a hundred yards up the corridor, its glass eye aimed at the celebratory obelisk of our accomplishment. We posed in our victory stance and snapped our photos.
Not quite ready to leave, we spread out our cooking gear and prepared the very last food items – oil roasted garlic, tuna, and basil on exactly four slices of sourdough bread – two full slices and two heels. It was, of course, the best repast ever! Oh yes, that small serving of mashed potatoes topped off the celebration. Now, we truly had no more food.
As we were finishing up, two other hikers arrived. We had met Mike and Austin the night before last at Hazens Camp where six of us had shared the four-bunk cabin during the rainy night.
“Congratulations on finishing thw whole trail!” Mike said, as he took our monument photo. I always like it when someone will take our team shots, instead of relying on my awkward selfies! “What’s next?”
“We’re going into North Troy to stay at the B&B and get a ride to Burlington tomorrow morning – at 3:30.”
“We’re going to Burlington now! We could give you a ride there today!”
And that’s why I’m in a Ramada Inn in Watertown, NY, waking up feeling disoriented! We rented a red Toyota Corolla at the Burlington airport and drove through the Adirondacks, part way to Buffalo where our van is parked at my sister’s place. Just like that, without even getting a shower or doing laundry!
Maybe the trail and the city are two worlds. I’m grateful to be blessed with both!
September 18, 2016
We stopped at 6:35 p.m. when we reached the Shooting Star Camp, the northernmost shelter on the Long Trail, just 4.4 miles from the northern terminus. We had talked about pushing on in the dark to the end, but agreed that the risk and slowness of night walking in this rocky terrain outweighed the appeal of getting to the finish line tonight.
This was a fun day! At last I have become neutral about whether the path goes up or down, whether there are rocks, boulders, roots, water, or mud, whether I’m maneuvering down ribbed ledges of mossy rock or gingerly stepping on slippery ladders of roots.
The anticipated rain storm filled the night with pelting rain and wind as we slept quiet and dry in the Hazens Camp cabin. The other four hikers sharing the four bunks with us were congenial, bedding down with us by 9 p.m., quiet except for the one snorer.
By 7 a.m. the rain had stopped, so we left at the tolerably late time of 7:30. We had cooked and eaten our oatmeal breakfast which we usually eat on the trail, so that half hour of rest time was eliminated.
Although the rain was predicted to return about 2 this afternoon, the sky cleared instead. We walked all day with no more rain, and in warmer temperatures than expected as well. The cold, wet day we had dreaded failed to materialize!
At 11:09 a.m. we reached the road that marked 11.9 miles to the end of the trail! A few minutes after 1 p.m. we reached Jay Peak, the mountain we had been anticipating for the past two weeks from way down at Killington Peak, 150 miles ago! Jay would be our last high peak, at 3985 ft. What a treat awaited us there, as the ski lodge was open, including the grill! We feasted on a pulled pork sandwich and refillable coffee, bonus food to supplement what we were carrying! What a strange contrast it was to our slow climb of the mountain to meet people in flipflops who had come up the mountain in the tram!
By the time we were ready to leave the warm lodge, the clouds were clearing and we got a good view of our next mountains – Doll Peak and Carlton. 10.1 miles to go!
Those last 4 hours walking off the trail from 10 miles left to 4.4 melted away, even though there were plenty of obstacles, which we now humorously call “tricks,” meeting each one with gradings of difficulty, like judges in an obstacle course. The biggest change in the trail today was that last night’s rain had turned a lot of the trail into a stream! Sometimes we literally were ascending thin waterfalls as water naturally found the rocky trail to be the easiest drainage down the mountain.
I was curious when John seemed focused on taking a snack break on Doll Peak, an hour or so after we had left the Jay Peak Lodge. “Let’s get something from your bag!” he said. I opened my food bag and found a PayDay candy bar – something I had not put there! “Wow! Where did this come from?” John had surprised me with an extra snack, a welcome treat for this hungry hiker! I laughed at how easy it is to light me up – with food!
Those extra calories lightened my steps for the rest of our “gymnastics” on the trail to this, our last night out on the trail.
What a summer we’ve had, walking from June 3rd to July 6th from Rockfish Gap, VA to Delaware Water Gap, PA, from August 9 to September 5 from Delaware Water Gap to Killington, VT, and now from September 6 to September 19 from Killington to Canada. I haven’t added up the miles, but it’s close to 1,000! I guess I got what I want, didn’t I – a hiking lifestyle!
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September 17, 2016
9 a.m. 26 miles to go!
Yesterday evening, we reached our goal, the Spruce Peak Shelter. It was a nice shelter, but it was only 5:00 p.m.! There were still two hours of light. We kept going.
First, through Devil’s Gulch, a short scramble through huge craggy boulders covered with ferns. I was glad we were exploring that as an evening activity rather than first thing in the morning.
We kept walking. The trouble was that the trail skirted the side of a mountain, so no flat spots for tenting were available. “There’s one” would reveal lumps and bumps on closer inspection. Another quarter mile. Now, the trail headed straight up the mountain on narrow stone steps, up and up to Ritterbush Overlook. Now, we’d gone another full mile and darkness was soon to arrive. The trail leveled out. Yay! A decent spot appeared, but John had already moved on. Keep going. Another hundred yards, and John says, “Here’s a spot.” It was a very good spot – flat, with two trees for tying the tarp, and off the trail down an old road about twenty feet. Yes! It was a good spot! We had walked 17.3 miles too! 30.1 miles from Canada!
We almost slept in this morning in our comfy spot. We were surprised it was already 5:55 when we noticed that the sky was getting light. We packed up quickly and got on the trail by 6:30, an impressive start!
And that got us up to our 9 a.m. milemarker – just 26 miles to go from Mt. Belvidere.
Mt. Belvidere provided a view of Jay Peak, our last high mountain. We’re making good time. Yesterday, the trail was mild – we even walked rather than constantly scrambling on rocks!
We were enjoying our morning oatmeal when another hiker appeared at the Mt. Belvidere summit. As we talked, I rejoiced in another happy synchronicity of the trail – getting just what I need at just the right time from a surprising source! I had asked Suzie, the other hiker, “How did you get to the trail to start?” She answered, “The owner of North Troy Inn works in Burlington, so he gives guests a ride. I flew into the airport, rode to North Troy with him and stayed overnight.”
Bingo! That’s a perfect answer for our quandary about how to get away from the trail. Later, we called and made a reservation to spend Monday at the Inn. Our ride to Burlington, where we can get to Enterprise car rental, will leave Tuesday morning – at 3:30 a.m.!
Now, it’s 7:30 p.m. on Saturday, and we chose a bunk in the Hazen’s Notch Canp shelter to be out of the predicted rain storm. Even though staying in shelters, usually crowded and noisy, isn’t our favorite sleeping choice, we like the idea of a dry place.
We’re in a really good position to finish the Long Trail with just 17.6 miles to go! We can do it all tomorrow – if the weather and terrain are congenial. Or, we can go 12 or 13 miles tomorrow, then finish up on Monday. Either way, we have a room at North Troy Inn where we can clean up and begin our transition back to urban life!