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Gratitude in Advance

May 17, 2017

Huzzah for speaking up for basic services! My “basic economy” ticket on delta left me with a seat “assigned at the gate”. What an uneasy feeling! At 3:30 am local time I called delta saying, “I really want to know that delta cares about me by assuring me that I have a seat before I get to the gate. What would it take to get that?” “Buy a different ticket next time,” Debbie said. “How about for this flight? Can you tell me if the flight’s overbooked? ” She replied, “No, but I’ll check the seating chart. “Wow!”, I said, “Having a seat would really make a big difference for me! I’m feeling like you really care about me!” Well, she found seats for both flights, and changed my status! I now have seats and a boarding pass! Rachel Rossiter Trabelsi, I was thinking of you as I practiced what you helped me learn during my Introduction Leader Program – affirming my value and being grateful in advance. And, Debbie Unterman Deanna Hohnhorst Colin Tipping for creating the Satori board game that helps me practice the words and feelings of New Stories like “I’m worthy to receive what I need”.  I thanked Debbie, then asked if there was someone I could tell about her service. I assured her supervisor that it really helped me to get that service and will now board the flight believing that delta cares about me. That’s my contribution today toward creating a world of generosity and service. Basic Service. Gratitude in advance.

Solo Success

May 11, 2017

Tonight I took a solo adventure! I rode the bike to Borrego Palm Canyon trailhead at dusk. I noticed the upper theatre light on and rode up to turn it off. While sitting quietly on the table there I heard a sound. “A bullfrog?” I wondered. That didn’t seem right. 

Just then, I heard another sound – rocks falling. That could only mean bighorn sheep on the mountainside. Yes! There was a sheep moving across the slope. A second one moved behind it! The croaking sound came again. It was the sheep grunting!

I watched til I could only hear and not see the sheep as the light faded. I resolved to stay out until the moon rose, another thirty minutes longer.

And there it was, a red moon just above the horizon! I rode back home in the dark, cool air sweeping my bare arms. “I’m just getting the rhythm of being solo, and now I only have five more days!” I thought. 

This is a good place for me! I enjoy choosing my activities freely. I like having my stuff spread out on the kit hen table! I choose partnership that feels as free as solo, and even better than solo! 

It’s Not Him

May 11, 2017

Feeling unfulfilled has nothing to do with him. Being solo has shown me that. It’s clear that my disappointments, low energy, scattered focus and distraction are not caused by him. I’ve done it to myself!

In my solo month, I’ve hardly accomplished any of the things I thought were so important – doing touch for health, painting, journaling. Tiredness has pervaded me. Attraction to the political drama playing out in the country saps my time and dominates my attention.

On the other hand, I have been delightfully focused on my schedule of evening programs, spending quality time with a handful of visitors in the evenings. That, at least, has been an admirable focus. I have done my job well. 

I’m willing to love and accept myself and honor what I HAVE done, accepting that my list of desired activities just may exceed the capabilities of my current schedule.

And I do have a quandary about Life energy. It’s been good to be solo to sort out what’s my responsibility to myself in contrast to my responsibility to another.

Beliefs

May 4, 2017

I know I must have limiting beliefs about relating because I feel entangled, stuck, resistant. He even says, emphatically, “No, we have not achieved all we can in our relationship!” However, when I contribute that what I want in a relationship is transformation of Old Stories, he says, “I want to support you getting that.” (Not, “yes, I want that too!”)

It occurs to me that individual fulfillment could be achieved solo! My biggest resistance to committing to partnership with him is forfeiting my preferences. I’m enjoying a lot about being solo.

I can write when I want, watch my media choices, eat my favorites, visit others, manage my finances. Would I even be concerned about being solo in this setting? With a car, I would probably even do some exploring, although would often seek out companions or group walks. 

He says, “Looking forward to walking together soon.” I cringe, unwilling to say, “I’m enjoying being solo for now,” projecting that he would make that mean that I don’t value him. It’s that I enjoy choosing my preferences more than being together, where I settle for being discounted and invisible.

How long do I want to string him on? Here’s a belief: I better settle for him because no man would be an ideal partner for me and I’m not open to having a woman for a partner even though that idea has entered my mind. He insists that he wants to be with me, then discounts my preferences when we do something together! 

I’m open that THIS is my story to transform, and that there is a new perception to have. 

The New Story I choose is “I am fulfilled in and by my marriage relationship.”

May 5, 2017

I’m willing to take responsibility for my stories. In service of transforming that old story, I played Satori -twice! On my day off I played with a friend, a first time being outright invited over to someone’s home in this place! She relished my offer of a game and our journey through the Satori board. That game invited me to delve into my Waldorf story. I retouched those feelings, found some lingering tension, and told her the truth that those feelings upset my stomach. She wants to play again!

Yesterday morning, I played a breakfast game. New Story: “I am strong enough to take on the world because I believe I can”.  Mainly, I’m integrating the reframe, “I let go of my old story and refuse to put any more energy in it.” Today, I wake up catching myself thinking of the old story and practicing not buying it!  I am willing to consider being authentic, visible, and committed to discovering and articulating my authentic, unique, and precious expression. With a partner!

I love and accept myself exploring the new, unfamiliar territory of imagined fulfillment.

Flexibility

May 1, 2017

I notice this morning that my awareness of my body and my quandary about physical fitness and energy occur as my authentic life. Preparing to participate in Steve’s memorial service amid the Park community occur as tangential occupation. My view is that the Park community is a superficial one, where I act, not where I share deeply, live authentically, reveal my true feelings, forge nourishing friendships. I have integrated Kathy’s admonishment that I shun the Park community as clients, revealing only my skills and interests in park interpretation, not Radical Forgiveness. So, I haven’t. And, just as in other times and venues, my full expression is diluted, and I keep my relationships shallow and pleasant. I go to the memorial as a support person, an observer. 

I wonder now, having observed this, if I’m making it up that authentic sharing of my worldview and feelings is prohibited. Maybe it would actually be better to share space for Satori or painting or Touch for Health. Saying “yes” to that conjurs up a list of “yeah buts”. Hmm. That’s a good clue that the construct could just be mine, keeping me safe!

Later- guess what? I felt integral, connected, understood, and vital to the Park community, notably Eli’s family. Nobody knew how to be, how to understand. All of us are baffled, saddened, mystified by Steve’s passing! I’m right there in the group with everyone else!

Stretch

April 29, 2017

32 more days solo. I accept my body stiff and feeling fat. I stretch, roll, chant, and breathe Life and Love and Ease and Flexibility into my body. I notice that I thought “precious body” and would not write that. 

“I am not my body, but I love and accept the body I have.”

My Message

Here’s what I said to a woman struggling to lighten her pack. 

“And now, if you’re game for an even deeper exploration, it has helped me immensely to delve into clarifying my purpose for walking. I realized that the trail is a blank canvas on which I paint my own journey, design my own fulfillment. Sure, a popular way to engage with the AT is to backpack long distances. That’s not the only way it can be visited, and, conversely, hiking might not necessarily be the best way to fulfill your dream. It might open up a whole new journey to explore what you’re thinking that hiking the Shenandoah section will provide… ultimately, in my own hiking, I want to create something that makes my heart sing!”

Desert Sage

April 25, 2017

Solo, walking resolutely toward Maidenhair Falls, desert wanderer interrupts my inner conversation about how to entice others to desert enlightenment. 

His words blend with and expand my own with refreshing validation and nourishment!

“Between the context of stillness and the occurrence of thought the noticing is the knowing.” Unknown

“I love the crunch of walking in the desert. Enjoy the crunch!” Thomas

I did notice the crunch and not I ed that I don’t enjoy it because it sound a noisy and disruptive to me. I’ll consider it.

I let myself stop to sketch a couple of times, and thoroughly enjoyed my personal pace. I loved my solo walk!



At Home

April 24, 2017

He says, “I feel at home where you are with me.” I cringe. I’ve written this year about feeling empty of myself when we are together. My reply, “I feel at home where I am, too.”

What an irony! “At home” in myself feels so different from “at home” together. Yes, when we’re together, it’s familiar, as I’ve described. I stop talking and sharing. I defer to his preferences. I watch separate entertainment. I go to gatherings he chooses – mostly. I put aside preferred energy-shifting tools. “At home” in myself enjoys indulging in my kids, classical music, slow contemplative walks, especially at sunrise, allowing Forgivenesswalks to form.

Being together feels safe, physically expanding, logically sustaining, but not fulfilling, not “heartsinging.”

What would being in partnership that fulfills both of us look like? I immediately argue that it can’t be done! “Our preferences are not additive!” I balk. I am not interested in marathon driving, end-to-end mountain climbing, drinking alcohol, working year-round seasonal jobs, hanging out with vociferous complainers, avoiding deep consideration of philosophical nuances of life.

I scoff at his likelihood of journaling and drawing, painting, singing, playing Satori, examining emotions, working together as entrepreneurs, exploring energy medicine and balancing, committing to regenerative food habits, talking about spirituality, politics, money and finances! Could he possibly be “At home” with those activities?

Who is the woman he names as me with whom he is at home? Have I become someone who isn’t really me with whom he feels at home? Did I vacate myself to become that person who means “home” to him and “not home” to me?

Whoops! That would be my own creation!!!

Later-

I took a solo adventure. I rode the bike he left to a nearby canyon and walked slowly. I stopped often, I sketched a tree. I turned around before it got hot. No summit. Not “just one more bend”.

 I rode out and to the post office to mail my sister’s copy of energy balancing back to her. I had made a copy for myself. I got back home by 11a.m. just as the wind gusts started. I feasted on stocked up food.