April 29, 2017
32 more days solo. I accept my body stiff and feeling fat. I stretch, roll, chant, and breathe Life and Love and Ease and Flexibility into my body. I notice that I thought “precious body” and would not write that.
“I am not my body, but I love and accept the body I have.”
Here’s what I said to a woman struggling to lighten her pack.
“And now, if you’re game for an even deeper exploration, it has helped me immensely to delve into clarifying my purpose for walking. I realized that the trail is a blank canvas on which I paint my own journey, design my own fulfillment. Sure, a popular way to engage with the AT is to backpack long distances. That’s not the only way it can be visited, and, conversely, hiking might not necessarily be the best way to fulfill your dream. It might open up a whole new journey to explore what you’re thinking that hiking the Shenandoah section will provide… ultimately, in my own hiking, I want to create something that makes my heart sing!”
April 25, 2017
Solo, walking resolutely toward Maidenhair Falls, desert wanderer interrupts my inner conversation about how to entice others to desert enlightenment.
His words blend with and expand my own with refreshing validation and nourishment!
“Between the context of stillness and the occurrence of thought the noticing is the knowing.” Unknown
“I love the crunch of walking in the desert. Enjoy the crunch!” Thomas
I did notice the crunch and not I ed that I don’t enjoy it because it sound a noisy and disruptive to me. I’ll consider it.
I let myself stop to sketch a couple of times, and thoroughly enjoyed my personal pace. I loved my solo walk!
April 24, 2017
He says, “I feel at home where you are with me.” I cringe. I’ve written this year about feeling empty of myself when we are together. My reply, “I feel at home where I am, too.”
What an irony! “At home” in myself feels so different from “at home” together. Yes, when we’re together, it’s familiar, as I’ve described. I stop talking and sharing. I defer to his preferences. I watch separate entertainment. I go to gatherings he chooses – mostly. I put aside preferred energy-shifting tools. “At home” in myself enjoys indulging in my kids, classical music, slow contemplative walks, especially at sunrise, allowing Forgivenesswalks to form.
Being together feels safe, physically expanding, logically sustaining, but not fulfilling, not “heartsinging.”
What would being in partnership that fulfills both of us look like? I immediately argue that it can’t be done! “Our preferences are not additive!” I balk. I am not interested in marathon driving, end-to-end mountain climbing, drinking alcohol, working year-round seasonal jobs, hanging out with vociferous complainers, avoiding deep consideration of philosophical nuances of life.
I scoff at his likelihood of journaling and drawing, painting, singing, playing Satori, examining emotions, working together as entrepreneurs, exploring energy medicine and balancing, committing to regenerative food habits, talking about spirituality, politics, money and finances! Could he possibly be “At home” with those activities?
Who is the woman he names as me with whom he is at home? Have I become someone who isn’t really me with whom he feels at home? Did I vacate myself to become that person who means “home” to him and “not home” to me?
Whoops! That would be my own creation!!!
I took a solo adventure. I rode the bike he left to a nearby canyon and walked slowly. I stopped often, I sketched a tree. I turned around before it got hot. No summit. Not “just one more bend”.
I rode out and to the post office to mail my sister’s copy of energy balancing back to her. I had made a copy for myself. I got back home by 11a.m. just as the wind gusts started. I feasted on stocked up food.
April 22, 2017
39 days solo remain. I got up at the usual alarm time and took a walk! I headed east on the dirt road. Coolness and sunlight bathed me. Stiffness relaxed somewhat. Quiet and ease, contentment at designing my morning, lightened my step. “I can wander as I want!”
Projects to accomplish flooded my mind, begging a list. “Not today. Just walk.” I watched ants forging a broad path in a short time. Resolute.
Solo, but definitely not lonely!
April 21, 2017
Yesterday evening, I enjoyed the luxury of solo after completing Be Crepuscular. I felt bonded with the participants and fulfilled by a leisurely walk home. Visiting Duane, camphost, lost its charm when he started complaining that no ranger had said goodbye to the others who had left. Time for solo!
Today starts my 40-day solo journey! Feeling eager, sleepy. I started with one round of Chakra Chant. I’m planning to ride my bike to the VC. Today’s question is “What are the practices that would be fulfilling during my solo journey?” Painting, morning riding, conscious eating, energy balancing, satori, journaling, visiting…
I received a text message from a friend: “My sister and I want to begin a hike at Springer Mountain in mid-July. Do you have maps we can borrow or recommend the best maps?”
My maps are in storage in Virginia while I work out in California! Besides, once you step on the Appalachian Trail, you’ll fall in love with it and want your own set of maps for fanning the flame of your new passion and recording your memories! Here are my recommendations
Maps are helpful for spatial orientation, road crossings, and for locating nearby towns and highway routes. They can also show topography, shelters, and points of interest along the way. I also enjoy perusing a good map for bedtime reading! Here are suggestions for maps for the southern section of the Appalachian Trail:
The National Geographic Trails Illustrated Maps are excellent with detail and scope. A new series since I walked the AT has come out: the Appalachian Trail series (#1501-1513). 13 maps cover the entire trail. Before this series, it took two maps to cover the trail in Georgia. If you’re planning to walk trails in Georgia in addition to the AT, including the Benton MacKaye Trail, Brasstown Bald, and Bartram Trail, among others, you might prefer #777 and #778.
#1501 covers the southern 200 miles of the Trail.
#777 covers Springer Mountain part way through Georgia.
#778 covers the north Georgia section
Guidebooks are good companions for maps because they round out the information on the maps with data points specific to the trail, distances between landmarks, shelters, and water sources. In addition, current guides also include details about trail towns, post offices, shuttle providers, gear vendors, and even trail profile guides. Currently, there are two popular guides available. Both are updated annually and have dedicated followers who swear to the accuracy and helpfulness of the guide they chose.
The AT Guide (“The AWOL Guide”)
Thruhikers Companion and other planning guides from the Appalachian Trail Conservancy
MOBILE PHONE APP
If you prefer a digital guide to the Trail, the Guthook Guide has become quite popular since its first release in 2012. The app and the demo guide to the Approach Trail are free. In-app purchase of 9 sections gives hikers everything they need to navigate the entire 2,189.2 miles of the Appalachian Trail and 273 miles of Vermont’s Long Trail. Each section costs $8.95, with a bundle price for all the sections.
January 3, 2017
I’m perusing an award winning business mentor’s site. She lists products and services from $19.95 for the book to $50,000 for personal coaching.
I’m saying no, no, no.
What’s behind my no?
I can’t/won’t put my success first, above my job, above my relationship. I assume that transforming myself and my business, my lifestyle, my image, my offerings, would be a full-time, total life makeover endeavor, and that’s too much change!
Not even this success by design master can make MY idea successful! Why? Because my idea is too different. And, again, because I am not 100% committed to fulfilling my dream, telling others that I’m doing it, then dedicating my whole self to it!!
Or…My idea is repetitive, already out there, done better by others, just another arrogant life coach doing consulting instead of real work, in other words, not different enough!
That is so interesting! I am good at self defeat!
January 3, 2017
Here’s my story:
Because he is uncomfortable talking about “sensitive” topics like finances, life dreams, what we’re creating together, politics, I can’t talk about them. I can’t have an intimate relationship, just a sexual one, a caretaking one, a partnered one.
Because he doesn’t want to do Touch for Health with me, or play Satori, paint, journal, or sing that means that I don’t do those things unless I find others outside our relationship to do them with.
And that’s a problem for me because I want a partner who does what I love with me!
That was true with him when we were first together. We walked. We walked the AT. We walked the PCT. We walked the BMT, the Laurel Highlands Trail, the Buckeye Trail, the Superior Hiking Trail.
I had the idea to become a transformational hiking coach and earn my living hiking. I worked on that, so far for 7 years, clarifying my message, my products, my infrastructure. I am waiting to commit to it and expand because he doesn’t want to do it with me. I tried marketing a group program during our walk last summer, but found daily blogging competitive with reaching our mileage goal and my marketing ineffective. Talking about it with him frustrated him and separated us. I get it that online marketing of forgivenesswalks is not what lights him up. I believe it is still what would light me up.
Now, we are working at jobs in the same place. Mine is about 80% heartsinging. I do enjoy the ease of working in a structure with regular pay and teamwork. I have broad creative freedom within an agreeable scope of topics.
It’s in a fixed location, far from my kids. The schedule is also fixed with limited time for traveling during the winter. That’s balanced by four months off in summer.
So, what is the core belief that keeps me silent and alone with my heartsinging expression?
Maybe that’s the belief. I am silent and alone in my heartsinging expression.
That resonates. I am silent and alone, not just with my partner, but with everyone, in the World! My heartsinging, in it’s fullest expression, is held captive in my heart, sung only to myself, waiting for someone else to give it a shared platform.
How interesting! When I put those words out, it makes no sense! That can’t be true, except that I’m making it so.
Well, for now, I’m willing to love myself having this story, open to the idea that I have created it for my own benefit. If I can make him responsible, then that lets me off the hook for taking the risk of sharing my message.
Last year, I gave it a fervant go at launching a forgivenesswalks community. It didn’t get any members from my exisiting community.
I could create a fresh journey and offer it. I acknowledge my story and also acknowledge that I am unwilling to say “I refuse to put any more energy in it.”
I feel familiar and in control in this story! To admit it to him, or others, would open up an unfamiliar path and require me to adopt new ways of being. I resist!
I’ll think about this!
December 27, 2016
Not talking doesn’t work for me. Relating with him now is like relating to my own 40-year old self. Keeping my opinions and preferences bottled up til they explode out, silent response and revealing body language, poverty consciousness and feigned then regretted generosity.
I want to relate and create from where I am NOW! Relate with conscious purpose, striving for conscious, vibration-raising conversation.
The situation: john is driving along the carlsbad coast witbout speaking. I don’t know his plan or his desire. He spoke earlier of gping on the walk he told me about which I didn’t hear (“you weren’t listening”). I had envisioned doing our REI errand then returning to take johanna back. Well, we just got on I-5 going north. No walk? Dont know. No speaking.
Rant about not talking.
Silently go along angry and stressed.
Silently go along observing the scenery, breathing, energizing my nonsenses, writing this post, accepting him as is.